The Taming of Rebecca
The Cinema Snob: Whoo! It's about time that Rebecca got what was coming to her! Who the fuck is Rebecca? OPENING SEQUENCE Snob: The taming of Rebecca is often known as one of the roughest roughies of all time. "What exactly is a Roughie?", you may ask. go stand in front of a mirror, punch yourself in the nose, jerk off with your own blood without breaking eye contact, then have your girlfriend suck your tongue out through your asshole. That could be a roughie, or...congratulations you've just been accepted into our fraternity! The Meese Commission even cited the film is one of the most extreme examples of violent pornography, that is unless you count ''The Smurfs'' porn. The Meese Commission was a 1980s group of dirty old men who needed an excuse to watch a shitload of pornography and call it an investigation. In this day and age we call it internet reviewing. Film starts Snob (VO): Oh, wait a minute AVGN presents... it, oh Avon presents.Wait, Avon? Snob: You telling me my mom sold this movie door-to-door in our old neighborhood? Well, that explains why the neighborhood kids beat me up! And here I thought it was because I ratted them out for doing drugs! Snob (VO): They've got the trusty hand of Stella Steves on set with them. She's kind of like Stella Stevens, only her last name has a dick. One thing is confusing me about these credits though - Film's title, with music that suspiciously sounds like the Halloween theme... The age-old rule of filmmaking: if you can't hire John Carpenter to do your score that just use his music anyway - ain't that right, Fantasy Mission Force? This must be Rebecca. I see she's running late for her Satan's School for Girls audition. From the music I can't tell if that's Michael Myers watching her or if it's a crew member its shots like this. When I begin to wonder if she even knows that she's in a movie? Something seems to be troubling her though... who am i so either yes hi it's Rebecca yes Rebecca Rebecca calm down calm down Rebecca Calm down? All she said was her name! And after all the bitching about The Simpsons I can't say I expected Barbara Bush to be in this. :Principal:Sex with you? :Rebecca: Yeah, and not only that but he's beat me up down too! Snob: Incest, whoo! Breaking out the big guns, aren't we? Don't get too sexy in the first two minutes! After that phone call, Rebecca now has a meeting to attend a school for troubled girls, unless Michael Myers is driving, shouldn't it be playing "Don't Fear the Reaper"? Right about now careful they're the directors box of cocaine accidentally gotten the shot. This must be the school and they better hurry so the crew from Burnt Offerings can get in. I'm sorry is this taking place during the Revolutionary War all of a sudden? And my father as you know today was Father's Day The correct way to say it is that today is Father's Day. Okay now continue on with your story of incest. Yikes her dad is Jim Croce. I didn't know Leroy Brown was that bad. Hi, there I'm in an incest porn called The Taming of Rebecca! This one's for you mom and dad, I hope I made you proud! To say that I need you no I can't see that because to tell you the truth you're a little flaccid right now and it's that awkward moment when you realize the sexy maid you hired is not only your own daughter, but Pat Benatar. Snob: The scene isn't very funny at all but it's nothing a little fast motion can't fix. The dialogue from the sex scene in fast motion makes everyone sounds like chipmunks. Snob: (makes a "cut" motion with his hands; audio stops) All right, all right. I'm a terrible person. :Principal: What happened next? Snob: What do you mean what happened next? Her dad fucked her! why does she need to continue with this story here's what happened next he spanked her because incest is illegal little Missy and if you're that interested in her story then why the hell are you constantly reading from the movie script I don't know about this school anyway look it's so under budgeted they could only afford the billiards table but not the balls why is Rebecca even in this school this is a school for juvenile delinquents Rebecca is a victim of incest I don't think she's in the wrong ear maybe the Dean is a nice guy just keep in line and do everything that I think will have no problem do you understand great for one abusive prank do another and given the kind of movie this is he's probably gonna fucker - on the plus side this school has a fantastic soundtrack let's go to my office and finish the reports have we started earlier any WN Ben Creek at the stray cats are so happy to be involved with this movie I'll bet the filmmakers didn't have to pay them a dime! You sure this is a school? You sure this isn't Sardu and Ralphus's dressing room? It's nice that the dean and the old secretary share the same office. how about little dictation Ah dictation the action of saying words out loud to be written down typed or recorded on tape. Oh right, it's got the word dick in it so I guess that means blowjob. Boy has Rebecca picked the wrong school. She came here to get away from her sex-crazed abusive father and now that dean is fucking students left and right! Oh oh there's gonna be egg on her face! Huh, maybe at least there's gonna be something on her face. we vary it yes yeah wipe off your fuckface - hey roomie what do you say tonight we push the twin beds and our vaginas together So far this movie is succeeding at being the movie that The Last Exorcism Part II should have been. God that minute day was really scary fuck Hey, language! Incest is no excuse for a potty mouth, even if you did urinate on your father in an earlier scene! First they gotta have a meeting on why they're all in school and pushing 30 then they talk about the cave. how'd you hear about the cave okay yeah okay huh Rebecca doesn't believe this the caves it really is one isn't this you haven't heard about the cave you're all talking about vaginas aren't you so I guess this means the answer is yes this guy looks like he's found the cave yes then I'm very happy with our new enrollment with our new girls except these two new girls Sandra and Rebecca they seem to be a little wild I feel Rebecca especially needs somewhat discipline really what are you being especially Rebecca I think so far Rebecca's at the least amount of sex scenes like this girl for instance whose vagina is doing a fantastic impression of the Sylvester Stallone movie fist um guys do you mind not watching this is a private matter ooh girls girls girls wait they broke the know orgies after suppertime rule oh they're in trouble now stop Sean suck dick shit you'd think after having a knuckle sandwich between the legs that they learned a little respect for their elders I have to discuss with Rebecca what disciplinary action I'm going to take for extra curricular activities now to be fair Rebecca wasn't the one getting fisted she was just the one holding the girl down that's a totally different ballpark like it matters they're obviously gonna fuck anyway participating in an orgy in my school you have two dogs you came up on the fucking slime well I think it's bad I used to do it with my father all the time yo lol I'm going to teach you not to have sex with people by having sex with you that'll learn yet if you keep the American flag in for the shot that makes it patriotic take that nice Commission why the fuck do you hate America huh also I'm pretty sure teachers aren't allowed to do this this man needs to be fired at once ah no teacher that's ever been mooning yeah that'll teach you to pass up hard Gore in favor of this movie hey about keeping your hands to yourselfthere mister there's a lady hello Uh oh, now Kenickie and Rizzo are the ones in deep shit! OK, what the fuck is the deal with the pin? Is someone's diaper gonna fall off?! Haha nipple mutilation! For when there's a fine line between a trip to the principal's office and a scene from The New York Ripper! Nice priorities, asshole! I'm sure that an infrared light would show that piss is the least of your floor's worries. I got to give it to this chick, though: she is old school method. There's Divine eating real dog shit and this girl. Who is this the infamous cave everyone's been talking about? what do you think I brought you down here for to figure out to make it feel better brought you down here to give you more pain what'd you do that I want you to take my clothes off that's nice with a fucker you 13 minutes of this film is left and I've yet to see Rebecca be tamed in fact where the hell is Rebecca oh the Dean is watching I hope he's not the totalitarian type of instructor what the fuck is going on in my case my guessing superintendent does not know of his methods you've been on my par and you steal my fucking bed you're still whining about the piss on your floor this guy is the Jeff Lebowski of bodily fluid bondage fantasy porn theonly thing that would possibly make this scene funny is if it contained the dialogue from bat pussy Donna from stepper net and you always tell me be imitators since you're like that that's not what I won't do that's what I will hear you know that's right over there my pussy high IQ e huh funnier yeah I still don't want to jerk off to it by the end Rebecca finally comes in to get her revenge or I guess the old woman does why she was in on this shit from the beginning maybe now Rebecca can finally get the taming that she deserves that does not include a cane to the ass at least during the first session That was certainly rough, but I hate to be that guy but I have seen far upper than this film. Oh am I kidding? I love being that guy! But seriously, tip pinning aside, I really don't think that this movie holds much of a candle compared to movies like Water Power, Forced Entry, or hell, even Hard Gore! maybe that's due to being constantly distracted by the Halloween theme and the stray cats or this guy's dialogue that's so vile and over-the-top it's more absurd than it is disturbing! Did you skirt up I don't want to you don't want to the last bitch that didn't want to you know like the door I'd beat her until she vomited and she a - I love our fucking bags But it does hold a solid 6.9 on IMDB. Cute. The film was brought to us by director Phil Prince and I expect high quality class from the guy who brought us Oriental Techniques of Pain and Pleasure, Den of Dominance and Daughters of Discipline. Phil was later brought up on charges of robbery and assault after shooting an ice cream parlor manager. He served a few years in jail and hasn't made a movie since. Oh, Phil! When are you coming back to us? Dean: Don't ever stand behind me! EVER! Category:Cinema Snob transcripts